So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
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I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.