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Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
how long have you had this for?
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Natty or not?
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!