Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!