For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
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My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
How can I say no to this ?
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.