A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
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It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
What number SPF blocks people?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.