Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
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[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.