Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
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They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Brands during Pride
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.