I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
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*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid