Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
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[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently