Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
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I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails