Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
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In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I’m Sold!
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please