I’m Sold!
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My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
never ask a starfish for directions
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof