I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
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I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
peak technology
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After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though