What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
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[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
HELP 😭
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.