discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
You Might Also Like
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
cat vs inanimate object
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.