There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
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People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Where’s my employee discount too?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life