… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
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STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
That lamp looks PISSED.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.