My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
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What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy