When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
You Might Also Like
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store