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What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Breaking news:
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.