What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
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I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean