I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
You Might Also Like
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.