If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
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Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
(yawn)
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.