Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
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My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine