I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
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*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.