Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
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a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.