@iamspacegirl [me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
@zachreinert0 Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
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@iamspacegirl 
@CleverGirl85 If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
@Bandersnaaatch Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
@zachreinert0 In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
@BuglegsMcWalshy Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
@TheToddWilliams ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
@SteveKoehler22 Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
@2tickytacky I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
@Marlebean P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
@Pumpkinbabypie No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.