Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
You Might Also Like
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Breaking news: