[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
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If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.
He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
No, of course I’m not mad.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.