@zachreinert0

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

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@iamspacegirl

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

@zachreinert0

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

@BuglegsMcWalshy

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

@SteveKoehler22

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

@2tickytacky

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

@Marlebean

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

@Pumpkinbabypie

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.