“Everybody freeze!”
-November
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If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.