spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
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[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days