18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
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Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
mariah carrie
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I’m literally crying
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family