Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
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*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me in tagged photos
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.