If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
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when revenge coincides with naptime
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.