If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
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very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
put ‘er there pardner!
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Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion