If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
You Might Also Like
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
A double negative is a big no-no.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.