The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
![]()
You Might Also Like
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Cheers Twitter.
![]()
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.