Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
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basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
saw this in a dream
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Money is the root of all wealth
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
You’re the water to my grease fire.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
pls suprot
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!