A huge thanks to the person that did this
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They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.