Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Me, flirting😏
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
This a good idea