Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
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Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser