One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
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good morning
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
The old gods are rising again.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”