Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
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Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I only eat vegetarians.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.