[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
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Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
it be like that
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years