it be like that
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There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.