Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
You Might Also Like
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Follow me for more recipes
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭