I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
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Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”