Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
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Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I am also baked goods
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Are we there yet?…
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.