totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
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We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Breaking news:
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.