I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
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*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk