I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
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The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Become ungovernable.
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[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Just so funny
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is