earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
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Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.