So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
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Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.