*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
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I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.