[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
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A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall